Asinine Things
Asinine Things
From Scratch Obsession to Waitlist Woes: 27 Absurdities of Watch Collecting
In our privileged world, time is measured in infinitesimal increments and fortunes are spent on mechanical marvels destined to be outperformed by a £10 quartz watch. It is no surprise therefore, that we find reason often taking a back seat to passion. I’m sure you can think of many more, but here’s a starter for ten.
Estimated Reading Time: ~20 minutes
1. The Microscopic Maelstrom
Picture, if you will, a grown adult, loupe in hand, feverishly examining their watch for the slightest hint of a hairline scratch. This is not a watchmaker ensuring the pristine condition of a client’s cherished heirloom, but rather a collector scrutinising their latest acquisition with the intensity of a forensic scientist at a crime scene. The irony, of course, is that these very same individuals will wax lyrical about the beauty of a vintage piece’s patina – those battle scars of time that transform a mere watch into a storied artefact. One can’t help but wonder: at what precise moment does a dreaded scratch metamorphose into coveted character?
2. The Automatic vs. Manual Dilemma
Yes, the eternal debate that has divided households and friendships since the invention of the winding rotor itself. On one side, we have the champions of tradition, extolling the virtues of the daily ritual of winding one’s watch – a meditative practice, they claim, which connects them to the very essence of timekeeping. On the other, the pragmatists who prefer their watches self-winding, arguing that if they wanted a daily workout for their wrists, they’d take up arm wrestling. The truth, as any seasoned geek knows, is that the correct answer is to own both types, thereby doubling one’s watch budget and halving one’s savings in one fell swoop.
3. The Justification Jamboree
“But darling, this isn’t just a watch – it’s an investment!” proclaims the collector to their bemused partner, conveniently glossing over the fact that said “investment” will likely spend more time in a safe than on the wrist, accruing value at a rate that would make a savings account blush... with embarrassment. The mental gymnastics performed to justify yet another acquisition to non-watch enthusiasts are truly Olympic-level, often involving complex calculations of cost-per-wear that would baffle any economist. Stop lying to yourselves, and do the math!
4. The Lexicon of Ludicrousness
In no other hobby does one encounter such a dizzying array of polysyllabic terms to describe what is, essentially, a device for telling the time. Tourbillons, rattrapantes, minute repeaters – we rattle them off with the casual air of a sommelier discussing wine varieties. Heaven forbid one should call a watch “cool” when it could be described as “an exquisite exemplar of haute horlogerie, featuring a harmonious juxtaposition of brushed and polished surfaces that dance with the light in a horological ballet.”
Shut. The. Fvck. Up.
Free subscribers will receive this post via email - 3 weeks after the date of publication. Sign up now to get it delivered to your inbox, or upgrade to paid and support future posts!
5. The Swiss-Made Smokescreen
Ha! The reassuring presence of “Swiss Made” on a watch dial – a guarantee of quality, craftsmanship, and precision. Or is it? In a twist worthy of a le Carré novel, this hallowed designation requires but 60% of the production cost to be of Swiss origin1. One imagines clandestine meetings in Geneva back alleys, where components of dubious provenance are hastily repatriated, gaining their Swiss citizenship faster than one can say “fondue.” It’s enough to make one question whether their treasured watch is more globetrotter than alpine dweller.
6. The Quartz Quandary
In an industry that prides itself on precision, one might assume that the most accurate timekeeping method would reign supreme. Enter the quartz watch; that embarrassing relative at a family gathering – undeniably effective, but often shunned in polite company. Watch enthusiasts will extol the virtues of a mechanical movement’s sweeping second hand (which, in reality, ticks multiple times per second) while dismissing the steady, unwavering advance of a quartz-regulated hand as soulless. The irony of prizing inaccuracy in the name of craftsmanship is not lost on the outside observer.
7. The Dive Watch Dichotomy
Speaking of dive watches, let us marvel at these mighty tools, capable of withstanding pressures that would crush a submarine, now bravely facing their greatest challenge - a light splash at the office water cooler. These marvels of engineering, designed to accompany intrepid explorers to the ocean’s greatest depths, more often than not find themselves exploring the depths of a desk drawer. Yet their owners stand ready, should the need to time a critical underwater operation arise during the Monday morning meeting.
8. The Complication Conundrum
In the world of ‘proper’ haute horlogerie, more is invariably… more. Why settle for a watch that merely tells the time when you could have one that also tracks the phases of the moon, the tide levels in Ha Long Bay, and the migratory patterns of the Great Reed Warbler? The fact that one is more likely to need to know the current time in Ulaanbaatar than the current lunar phase is beside the point. It’s not about practicality; it’s about possessing a microcosmic marvel of mechanical mastery on one’s wrist. Oh, let’s not forget the crowning glory of complications: the moonphase2. In a world where our phones can instantly provide us with detailed astronomical data, what we really need is a tiny disc on our wrist showing a creepy man-in-the-moon face3.
